rudderless

Walls and Windows

I just finished Elizabeth Gilberts’ new book, Committed, about the history of marriage. It was a good read, especially for a married person. One passage has stayed with me and I’ve found myself thinking about it from time to time this week. She’s discussing Dr. Shirley Glass, who seems like the consummate marriage shrink:

“Dr. Glass explained that nothing is wrong with a married person launching a friendship outside of matrimony- so long as the walls and windows of the relationship remain in the correct places. It was Glass’s theory that every healthy marriage is composed of walls and windows. The windows are the aspects of your relationship that are open to the world- that is, the necessary gaps through which you interact with family and friends; the walls are the barriers of trust behind which you guard the most intimate secrets of your marriage.

What often happens, though, during so-called harmless friendships, is that you begin sharing intimacies with your new friend that belong hidden within your marriage. You reveal secrets about yourself- your deepest yearnings and frustrations- and it feels so good to be exposed. You throw open a window where there really ought to be a solid, weight-bearing wall. Not wanting your spouse to feel jealous, you keep the details of your friendship hidden. In so doing, you have just built a wall between you and your spouse where there really ought to be free circulation of air and light.”

John and I are both intensely private people. I always wondered if other people kept as much within the bounds of their marriage. It felt good to read that not only was it normal, but it was healthy to keep the windows cracked, not thrown open to the world.

May the houses, and the boats, we build in the future continue to be sound structures. I love you, John.